How to write a Songfic.
by Alan Smithee
Summary: Zell teaches you how to write the perfect songfic. (Guest starring Mariye, because I'm returning and couldn't book anyone really big...)


"How to Write the Perfect Songfic."  
  
Hello, all my friends, and welcome to the latest piece designed to teach all of you how to write better! I am of course Zell Dincht, and today we're going to be looking at the most popular way to write fanfiction without having to do such things as thinking or being truly original. I'm referring, of course, to songfics. Each of these fics has a basic style to them, oftentimes ranging from sub-par to "Don't put this near an open flame." However, we've been able to book some of the most well-renowned songfic writers in their areas. Let's meet with them, shall we?  
  
First off, with one of the most accomplished songfic libraries and being the first songfic writer to have a songfic for every song in the pop Top 10 for one given week, representing the Pokemon board...  
  
"BOOO! GET SOMEONE WHO ACTUALLY CAN WRITE!"  
  
...MagicalSuperFreakyDiscoGoodMonkeyLady295858339!  
  
"HELLO THIS IS MY FIRST FINAL FANTASY 8 FIC TEE HEE I'M SO PRETTY SQUALL AND RINOA FOREVER!"  
  
Secondly, representing the Final Fantasy 8 board, Mariye! ("Thank god...I bet she'll do something to level for this...")  
  
"YEAH! WOO! NAKED TIME! PING!"  
  
"Thank you, Zell. I only hope this will be up to level."   
  
And lastly, with a recent lack in songfics but still regarded as one of the more innovative songfic writers, representing the Harry Potter board...Alan Smithee? WHAT THE HELL? WHY DID YOU GET SMITHEE AGAIN? I SPECIFICALLY SAID I WOULDN'T DO THE SHOW IF SMITHEE WAS ON BOARD!  
  
"No, Zell, you said that you wouldn't do the show if Alan Smithee was the Final Fantasy 8 representative. You should keep up with current events..."  
  
Well, okay, Alan Smithee, everybody!  
  
"SELL...OUT...SELL...OUT...SELL....OUT...SELL...OUT..."  
  
"Greetings, FF8 fans again. I understand your criticism, I do believe I've sold out...I sold out THIS building, I sell out at Harry Potter..."  
  
"ONLY 500 COMBINED HITS...ONLY 500 COMBINED HITS..."  
  
"WHO TOLD YOU THAT....er, Why would you assume that?"  
  
Well, we've got our three people to show you the ropes to write a proper songfic. However, in order to make sure our writers don't engage in any unbridled CREATIVITY this time... (::You like that, Smithee? I'm on to you...::) we've decided to help with a couple of rules and just add them to this one.  
  
(Zell walked over to a place near the side of the stage.)  
  
As you can see, we've got three balls inside here. One of them has every song on the current popular top 40. The other two have every character in Final Fantasy 8 inside of it. When I pull out each of these, the author will have to do their piece from a specific point in the song selected, while doing it as a pairing between the two characters chosen. This is due to the two most important rules that apply to songfics:  
  
1) They can never be based on a song that isn't already popular, because the main audience you're trying to get in a songfic is the audience that's too pretty to look for music that they don't already know by heart.  
2) They must always be based with pairings.  
  
As you can see...we're almost ready to do this, so.... The pairing will be...Quistis...and...Squall... and the song to be used will be..."Never had a Dream come True" by S Club 7. Now, we're going to give these writers a bit of time to write up their pieces, so we'll be back in a few minutes.  
  
Okay, we're back, let's check what each of them have, first... MagicalSuperFreakyDiscoGoodMonkeyLady295858339?  
  
"OKAY THIS IS MY FIRST SONGFIC HERE BE GENTLE OKAY?"  
  
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
Quistis walked through the corridors of wherever they're supposed to be during this game I don't know I like Pokemon!  
"I guess I'm supposed to be attracted to Squall and stuff even though I never played the game and don't know about this", Quistis replied as she walked back to her dormitory what? She doesn't have one? I don't know about the game, I'm sorry, POKEMON RULES!  
"Ah, I'm back to sleep...Ooh, here's a radio for some reason, I guess I'd better turn it on!"  
  
*Everybody's got something*  
*They had to leave behind*  
*One regret from yesterday*  
*That just seems to grow with time*  
*There's no use looking back*  
*Oh wondering*  
*How it could be now*  
*Oh, might have been*  
*Oh this I know*  
*But I still can't*  
*Find ways to let you go*  
  
*I never had a dream come true*  
*'Till the day that I found you*  
*Even though I pretend*  
*That I've moved on*  
*You'll always be my baby*  
*I never found the words*  
*To say*  
*You're the one I think about*  
*Each day*  
*And I know, no matter where*  
*My life takes me to*  
*A part of me will always be*  
*With you*  
  
Suddenly, for no apparent reason, Squall burst into the room. "Quistis, I love you, even though I'm not sure which one you are...Are you the brunette?"  
"Um, no Squall, I'm the blonde...I wasn't in the commercial..." Quistis replied.  
"Eh, I don't know the game...I still love you..." Squall replied. The two kissed and lived happily ever after as Quistis had like 10 thousand of Squall's babies.  
  
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
Ah, thank you, MagicalSuperFreakyDiscoGoodMonkeyLady295858339. As you could see, this is an example of the beginner level of songfic, the "firstfic" style, if you will. This style got its name from the amount of people who did it and put in the summary "this is my first fic so be gentle r/r". The main stats as per the style so that people have an idea:  
  
Innovativeness/Originality: 1= Everybody and his brother can do this, and most of them have.  
Skill: 2= If you can cover the song with one small piece at the beginning and one at the end, you're golden.  
Talent needed: 1= This was proven when Chimp-Chimp, a trained monkey at the San Diego Zoo, created a songfic and posted it to Fanfiction.Net.   
Usual entertainment value= 1 (if you don't love the song), 2.5 (if it's your favorite song of all time of the week.)  
  
Now, we've got the second type of style, demonstrated by Mariye...  
  
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
*Somewhere in my memory*  
*I've lost all sense of time*  
  
Quistis walked out onto the balcony near Garden. The sorceress had been defeated. Everything was perfect...except for her.  
"Why do I feel so bad? I mean, I knew I'd never have a chance with him, what's the point?" she asked. "Who goes into this for me?"  
  
*And Tomorrow can never be*  
*'Cuz yesterday is all that fills my mind*  
  
"I don't believe this...What's the point? I risked my life...I saved the world...and for what? To feel this way? Nuts to that..."  
  
*There's no use looking back*  
*Oh wondering*  
  
"Why do I still dwell on Squall? I mean, if none of this had happened, would he ever want me?"  
  
*How it should be now*  
*Oh, might have been*  
  
"I hate that little bitch Rinoa...why'd she do that to me? I'm the instructor, I'm hotter, I should get Squall, not her!  
  
*Oh, this I know*  
*But still I can't*  
*Find ways to*  
*Let you go...*  
  
"I hate this! I should have some! I'm powerful, it's about me! ME!"  
  
*I never had a dream*  
*Come true*  
*'Till the day that I*  
*Found you*  
*Even thought I pretend*  
*That I've moved on*  
*You'll always be my baby*  
  
"Squall...why did you pick her...everyone knows I'm hotter and cared for you longer...Why did you pick her?"  
  
*I never found the words*  
*To say*  
*You're the one*  
*I think about each day*  
*And I know no matter*   
*Where my life takes me to*  
*A part of me will always*   
*Be...*  
  
"Quistis?" Squall appeared on the balcony.  
"What do you want...Squall?" Quistis asked.  
"I came to tell you...I broke it off with Rinoa..."  
"But why?"  
"I...I wanted you the whole time..." Squall admitted. Squall and Quistis kissed and they lived happily ever after.  
  
======  
  
[the end]   
  
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
Ah, that was Mariye's entry into this one. It's easily a piece on the Moderate difficulty "midlev" songfic style. In it, they take a few lyrics to the song and put (what would usually be a paragraph inside of it, but Mariye apparently had trouble thinking of stuff...) of story in. This is probably the safest one to choose. It's got a good mix of crap with a possibility to be good in the right hands.   
  
Innovativeness/Originality: 6= Only a few of the top songfic writers will bother with this style. Most low-level ones will go for the "firstfic" style.  
Skill: 7= The best can make songfics that would be classic as regular, the worst could make typical bad fics.  
Talent needed: 8= You need at least enough talent to make the fic work well between song and fic for this to go over correctly.  
Usual entertainment value: 8.7 (when in capable hands), 4 (in uncapable hands.)  
  
Now for the final piece, by Alan Smithee...(DON'T....screw this up...)  
  
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
*You'll always be the dream that fills my head*  
I wish I could tell him. Eh, it would be worse.  
*Yes you will, say you will you know you will, oh baby*  
I guess I'd rather have him in my life as a friend than as just...no one with him knowing...  
*You'll always be the one I know that I'll never forget*  
I guess it doesn't matter. He loves her now. I still can't shake it, though...  
*There's no use looking back Or wondering*  
I doubt he'd ever care about me even if she never existed, anyway. I guess no one's meant for me...  
*Because love is a strange And funny thing*  
I guess...Love sucks. It's only out there for a few people. People like me would never get it.  
*No matter how I try I try I just can't say goodbye*  
Why can't I forget about him? Just get over it? Everyone's meant to forget their true love and marry someone who's willing to take it...Why can't I?  
*I never had a Dream Come true*  
Damn right. If I ever wanted anything except for Squall, I'd be surprised. I'll just need to do some serious GF training...  
"Till the day That I Found you*  
I can't remember a time I didn't want him, why does this have to be? Zell's never getting any, Seifer's got the hots for me from what I heard, I should be able to go for it...  
*Even though I pretend That I've moved on*  
What does it matter? I still want Squall, that's all. He's the only one.  
*You'll always be my baby*  
I can't take this...I did all of that, why can't I at least get someone to end with?  
*I never found the words To say*  
Why couldn't I have tried when Rinoa wasn't there?   
*You're the one I think about each day*  
Yeah. What good is thinking when you can't do anything about it?  
*And I know no matter wherelife takes me to*  
Yeah. Probably end up in Balamb with seven or eight kids on welfare.  
*A part of me will always Be with you*  
Still...he won't care...Go off, never remember me...  
  
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
WHAT? That didn't end happy....Oh, hi, we're back with Alan's...CONTROVERSIAL un-HAPPY ending fic. It's obviously done in "Aclas", the advanced songfic style that is known to be Alan Smithee's trademark. (This was a BADLY done version of it...idiotic little Darren Shier wannabe...YOU LIKE THAT, SMITHEE?) In this one, it's a simple, first person POV, call-response to the song. It's a little like the "midlev" songfic, only with much shorter and quicker in-between than "midlev" fics.   
  
Innovativeness/Originality: 10= The "Innovator of Awesomeness" did innovate this modified style.   
Skill: 9= It takes more skill than a "midlev" to get through each of the pieces.  
Talent needed: 7= It's relatively easy to do, relatively tricky to do well. (Especially not by Alan Smithee...YOU LIKE THAT?)  
Entertainment value: 1.2 (In Alan Smithee's hands...YOU LIKE THAT, SMITHEE? HA! [Don't tell him, but it'd actually be closer to 8.7 in his hands]), 7.6 (in other people's capable hands), 3.8 (in uncapable hands.)   
  
  
Well, that's the show...Tune in next time when we do...something! 


End file.
